Gumnut

So i was on Craigslist about a year ago and i found this ad... Please enjoy responsibly. 


I have a 3 year old Koala Bear named GumNut, that I am desperately trying to find a new home for. I bought him in January figuring it would be an awesome pet that would enjoy living in my greenhouse, sadly I was wrong. I paid $3200 for him back in January and I am not sure what the used Koala Bear market is like I a good economy or the one we have now; so I am open to offers. Please use some common sense before contacting me, don’t be an idiot, I am not interested in trading my Koala Bear for your busted up 1980’s Camaro, pictures of your naked wife, or an offer to paint my garage door. 

GumNut’s stats: 

The GOOD: 

1. He is somewhat housebroken, uses a cat box most of the time. 
2. For the most part he is very quiet; this also falls into the bad category which we will touch on a in a moment. 
3. He eats spiders, (not kidding) we haven’t had a spider in our house since we got him. 
4. He hates watching Desperate Housewives, used to be my wife’s favorite show until GumNut bit her for changing the channel from Jeopardy, to Desperate Housewives. 
5. Gets along well with one of my two dogs. 
6. Loves to go for car rides. 

Now for the BAD: 

1. He eats a lot of eucalyptus, which is not as cheap as I expected. 
2. Apparently eucalyptus I like a drug for Koala Bears, when GunNut is coming down from his high he becomes very violent and aggressive. 
3. He raped and killed my wife’s cat “Miss Kitty” (Honestly, I wanted to put this in the good section because I’ve been trying to find a way to get that worthless cat out of the house for two years, thanks GumNut.) 
4. He does not like Asian’s, I have no idea where this Koala was raised but someone of Asian Descent must have really mistreated him. 
5. Loves Vin Diesel movies, not sure why, he just does. 
6. He has extremely sharp claws and teeth which he uses often. 
7. Loves shiny objects, steals and hides them frequently in my dog’s rear end. 
8. He is quiet, and as a result has snuck in on my wife and I during intimate moments. I mind him watching; maybe it won't’ bother you as much. 
9. GumNut smells terrible and is not easy to wash. I had to hold a gas soaked rag over his mouth till he blacked out to get him in this tub for a bath. 
10. Once he is in the water he is fine, getting him into the water IS the challenge
     He will scratch you
     He will bite you
     And you will bleed.

"Gumnut ad" by unknown craigslist user

Car Radio

A song...

I ponder of something great

My lungs will fill and then deflate

They fill with fire

Exhale desire

I know it's dire

My time today

I have these thoughts

So often I ought

To replace that slot

With what I once bought

'Cause somebody stole

My car radio

And now I just sit in silence

Sometimes quiet is violent

I find it hard to hide it

My pride is no longer inside

It's on my sleeve

My skin will scream

Reminding me of

Who I killed inside my dream

I hate this car that I'm driving

There's no hiding for me

I'm forced to deal with what I feel

There is no distraction to mask what is real

I could pull the steering wheel

I have these thoughts

So often I ought

To replace that slot

With what I once bought

'Cause somebody stole

My car radio

And now I just sit in silence

I ponder of something terrifying

'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind

I find over the course of our human existence

One thing consists of consistence

And it's that we're all battling fear

Oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here

Oh my,

Too deep

Please stop thinking

I liked it better when my car had sound

There are things we can do

But from the things that work there are only two

And from the two that we choose to do

Peace will win

And fear will lose

There's faith and there's sleep

We need to pick one please because

Faith is to be awake

And to be awake is for us to think

And for us to think is to be alive

And I will try with every rhyme

To come across like I am dying

To let you know you need to try to think

I have these thoughts

So often I ought

To replace that slot

With what I once bought

'Cause somebody stole

My car radio

And now I just sit in silence

I ponder of something great

My lungs will fill and then deflate

They fill with fire

Exhale desire

I know it's dire

My time today

I have these thoughts

So often I ought

To replace that slot

With what I once bought

'Cause somebody stole

My car radio

And now I just sit in silence

"Car Radio" by Twenty One Pilots